When I was in graduate school, working professionals would come speak to us to offer their professional insight and artistic inspiration.
Something that struck me about these guests was that they had all had a sense conviction that I envied. They had a point of view about the work they valued, were confident in their perspective, and could articulate it to us. They seemed to know who they were and what they cared about (at least in terms of what they created in the theater).
I wanted that.
Instead, I was an actor in training. I was trying to learn the performance skills to be anything for anyone at anytime. I was trying to learn to please to get the job. And the problem is, there isn’t a lot of sense of self in that. To borrow some language from Seth Godin, I was trying to be a “wandering generality” rather than a “meaningful specific”.
Flashing forward, I graduated with my MFA and moved to New York. As well as the work of being an actor, now I had to figure out how to live. I had to work a day job. My hours to commit to acting (both studying and auditioning) were limited, and now rather than indiscriminately consuming the prescribed curriculum of graduate school, I had to make choices about how I would spend my time and money.
To make these choices, I had to consider what I valued. Gradually, these values became clearer. My internal compass began to collaborate. Sometimes these values emerged from within, but more often I discovered them by trying something and afterwards thinking, “This wasn’t worth it. I won’t do that again.” Or vice versa.
The point is that only when I faced difficulty did I start to unearth who I was. It was only when I didn’t have the time to try and be good at everything to please everyone that I had to choose who to please and what I wanted to be good at. You don’t have to prioritize when you have all the time and money in the world. It’s in scarcity that you discover what’s important to you.
Each decision is a mirror that reflects your values. As the decisions accumulate you get a fuller and fuller picture of who you are.
“Don’t tell me where your priorities are. Show me where you spend your money and I’ll tell you what they are.“
– James W. Frick, former vice president for public relations, alumni affairs and development at the University of Notre Dame
This process of self discovery is ongoing as our circumstances change and we evolve. So I’m not trying to say that after a few years on my own I’m fully cooked or anything. But I’d like to think that if my graduate school self bumped into me now, he would be impressed by the confidence I’ve developed in the past six plus years and choices that I’m making.